In Which Voldemort Steals A Car

Working at the DA's office has its advantages.

Like the time I got pulled over for speeding and then informed the cop that I was the "law" part of the L&O team? As soon as the officer saw my badge which read "Intern", he looked at me incredulously, shook his head while laughing, and then started writing out my ticket. In my own way, I believe I won the day - I made the police officer laugh and I got to pay the Commonwealth $150. Everyone won.

Let's also not forget the attractive defendants we've come across: the 22 year-old with 2 kids (eldest was 5) with 2 different fathers or the 25 year-old who asked if she should go to WalMart to buy "nice" jeans for trial. Who needs match.com when I've got my veritable smorgasbord of willing, able, and easy women at my disposal? I could take them out to TGIFridays and it'd be the best culinary experience they've ever had. "I need to meet the chef that created this delicious meal!"

Women and opportunities for police officers to disrespect me notwithstanding, yesterday I came across the best thing about working at the DA's office: One Defendant, One Crime, One of humanity's best literary works (fuck you, Shakespeare).



We've got a defendant that goes by the name of Tom Riddle. That's right, the villain of the Harry Potter series has been charged by my state of having stolen a car. I'm going to have to actively restrain myself from mentioning his educational background (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry), his foreign language experience (parselmouth), and his prior bad acts (Murder 1 of Harry Potter's parents and attempted murder of one Mr. Harry Potter). And...AND, I'll get to say "this is a job for the DA!" and the jury members will chuckle to my obvious reference to Dumbledore's Army.

I spent all day yesterday dreaming of the possibility of saying, "Your Honor, the People call He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to the stand."

And my closing argument? "Members of the jury, even though Lord Voldemort is an all-powerful wizard, he still can't steal a car in Pennsylvania."

Upon spending many a minute discussing the endless nerdgastic possibilities of littering the trial and response briefs with Harry Potter references to the senior attorney, he looked at me and asked:

"You're single, aren't you?"

I looked at him for a moment and then said, "Well, I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything."